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Hi there, kids   
07:39pm 16/12/2003
  I got a new journal. It's still livejournal. My username is Junbi_Angel

or you can click this link:




4 beautiful souls| come hither, child
06:48pm 15/12/2003
mood: amused
James: "seeing the president play poker...you know."
Conan: "he could have played."
James: "well, you know, figuring out the numbers and the pictures..."
*immense laughter*
Conan: "he was in the Hungry Hungry Hippos tournament"
1 beautiful soul| come hither, child
05:12pm 14/12/2003
  Today has been a very j-rock day. My make up has been blue lately. Mana is my new make up inspiration. He's so very prettyful and he's one of my favourite j-rockers.

You are Mana!

What member of Malice Mizer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
come hither, child
08:51am 14/12/2003
  So we're playing on PS2 now? Why am I playing this game in the first place? It would be so much easier for me to play online. So yeah, this is frustrating.  
1 beautiful soul| come hither, child
+alk about mixed emotions   
08:05pm 13/12/2003
mood: discontent
I am so not over him. I realized that tonight; but he's been really patient with me, and I thank him for that.
I went to Cameron's tonight. It was really fun, I danced with Pierre, Katie, and Gina. But in the overwhelming fun, there was a point where I got a bit...sad. Typical Cancer mood swings. I seriously need to be over it, but I can't force myself. I shared my prophecy about certain friends with Melissa, just so when it happens, I can say that I said it was going to happen. I don't want to put the prophecy in my journal tho, as some people will be upset with me if I do.

Enough of my self loathing (as if it just ended). The party was fun. We played dress up.

Heh. Mixed emotions.
come hither, child
"You can call me...Power Prod"   
06:57pm 12/12/2003
mood: mellow
I went to the mall for like an hour today. I went to Wet Seal and got a ankel length furry coat....but more importantly, I got a hat! hah! Yes! Now I can tip my hat to Cameron and Melissa.

I've recently realized how in love with Lancelot I am. And also, how much I love Guenever. Dr. Paul was right, The Once And Future King is way better in the middle and the end. Eh, he's usually right, and stuff.../sigh/...new subject.

I kind of want a Jibrille background.

I've been listening to the Hanuaka Song by Adam Sandler a lot today. I don't know what I like about that song.
come hither, child
10:38am 11/12/2003
mood: apathetic
There is a Fiona Apple song for every problem I've ever had with my "love" life. Just thought I'd share. She is an awesome woman.

"Once my lover now my friend. What a cruel thing to pretend.
What a cunning way to condescend. Once my lover, and now my friend.
Oh, you creep up like the clouds and you set my soul at ease.
Then you let your love abound and you bring me to my knees.

Oh, it's evil, babe, the way you let your grace enrapture me.
When well you know, I'd be insane to ever let that dirty game recapture me."
3 beautiful souls| come hither, child
08:02am 11/12/2003
  A lot of people around me seem to be falling into a deep black hole and I try to fly down and catch them but I use the last bit of my strength to fly back up to the edge of the cliff so I don't fall in also. Or maybe I'm just killing people with my dreamy positivity. I mean, it's not like I don't have problems. I think I have a right to tell people to look on the bright side when I, myself, have been down and looked thru to the good.

Beh. It doesn't matter. It's just me bitching.


I've decided to change my make up (which is a big thing for me, if you don't know) when the scabs on cuts on my chest are gone or just left as scars. [If you know me, you know I'm big on symbolism.] So yeah...
come hither, child
09:28am 10/12/2003
mood: exhausted
I guess I'm better now. Sorta. My make up is still the blue tear trail under one eye and the runes for healing and strength on the side of my face. It will be that way until I feel I'm ready to look at other people in that light. But I am well. I've watched Everafter 4 times in the past 4 days. I love it so much. It's definately one of my favourite movies of all time. /sigh/

I've been throwing myself into anything and everything since Monday night. My supposed 4 page English paper ended up being 9 pages long. I've started writing a lot of short stories. And drinking A LOT of tea. Come to think of it, since Monday night, I've had no time to think.
I'm going back to the way I used to be where I look at couples and half of me thinks "aww" but the other have thinks "nasty bitches"; that is the extremely jealous side of me. I shouldn't think those things about people just because they are happy...~_~;;

When I was looking at him today...//nothing.
1 beautiful soul| come hither, child
07:16pm 08/12/2003
mood: sad
"What ravages of spirit conjured this temptuous rage; created you a monster, broken by the rules of love. And fate has lead you through it. You do what you have to do. And I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go. Every moment marked with apparitions of your soul. I'm ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire. The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do. But I have the sense to recognize that I don't know how to let you go. A glowing ember burning hot, burning slow. Deep within I'm shaken by the violence of existing for only you. I know I can't be with you, I do what I have to do."

Today I scratched my chest until it bled. Then Ariel, Stephanie, Cameron, Bradly, and Melissa surprised me when they came over over after school. They brought me a fairy wand, candy, a pink pig hand puppet thing, and fake pink tulips. They hung around and watched The Smurfs and The Cosby Show. They really cheered me up. Then everyone left but Stephanie and we had a good cry and she really helped me sort out my feelings. I'm starting to heal myself. It still hurts, but I have the healing process started. I'm luck to have such great friends to help me thru this. They can't make the hurt go away, but they help.
2 beautiful souls| come hither, child
"I'll be waiting here...so if you come here...you'll find me...I promise."    
09:46am 08/12/2003
mood: exanimate
I've never had to deal with something that hurts me like this before. I understand why it had to happen and I feel no ill feelings for him, but it still hurts so much. I thought I was ok with it after I talked to him last night but when I went layed down to go to sleep last night, I started crying. And I don't mean like two tears running down my cheeks, I mean crying really really hard. Then I got sick at 5:30 this morning and my mom told me to go back to bed. When I woke up (at about 10:30), I read Emily Dickenson and wrote 9 pages front and back in a notebook. The whole time I've been telling myself that everything will be alright, and that I'm not totally losing him because we wil lstill be friends. But there's this other half of me that keeps thinking about how great he is and crying. But still, I understand why it happened. Although things will be ok soon, I'll never totally lose the feelings I have for him right now, I'll just put them away somewhere because there's no way I can just let them go.

I don't want to even think about anyone else romantically for a long long time. I'd rather stay home with all my friends and watch chick flicks and cry. So maybe I'll do that by myself later.
come hither, child
How appropriate   
08:38am 07/12/2003
mood: blank
"I am surrenduring to gravity and the unknown. Catch me, heal me, lift me back up to the sun. I choose to live."

Which Final Fantasy Guy are you?

Which Final Fantasy Melody are you?
come hither, child
Final Summation   
12:01pm 06/12/2003
mood: nervous
First, I was questioning and worried.
In this entry

Then I was paranoid and sad.
In this one

Then I cried
In Here

And then I remembered that I have Angel wings and that I can take anything. so I guess I'm better now; I'm uplifted, at least.

Regardless of warnings the future doesn't scare me at all.
2 beautiful souls| come hither, child
10:03am 06/12/2003
  My worry is overwhelming me. The one person that I need to understand doesn't seem to. Today my worry turned to sadness and I cried. I try to talk to him, but I can't. Not because the words don't come out or something like that. But because I have no time. My problem needs attention. This can't go on any longer.

But I guess I am independent and strong just like I was before. If something I'm so deathly worried about happens, I can survive, of course. Like back when I was everyone's mother and I was content [but not happy] when I was alone. But I'm still worried about something happening; being alone again. Just having to hear "I don't love you" or "I love someone else". That thought makes me sick.
come hither, child
07:49pm 05/12/2003
  Stephanie proposed to me at dinner tonight ^____^ She gave me a [cheap] ring that she got from Claire's [for like 50 cent].
And we sat in the guide book row of FYE looking at Final Fantasy [XI, X-2, Origins, and Crystal Cronicals] guide books.

Angelic Layer is SOOO good!!!!!!


It is evident that I have issues with my romantic life. What I mean is, it is evident that I have issues with being reassured and needed to be reassured constantly. And also...I keep mentioning this because I want him to know it, but I never get a chance to talk to him about it. I never see him outside of school, and at school there's people around or we have 3 minutes to talk, and he hasn't been online in forever because he has so much work to do. I really need to talk to him about it. But I can wait...
4 beautiful souls| come hither, child
WEEE! is my battle cry   
12:45pm 05/12/2003
mood: worried
MiowariAinashide: oh, some girl at my school made a weird comic about FF9
MiowariAinashide: I shall now type the diolouge for you to hear
MiowariAinashide: "FF9 Squishy Comics 1"
MiowariAinashide: Zidane: Hey Kuja...?
MiowariAinashide: Kuja: What?
MiowariAinashide: Zidane: I have a bagel in my pocket! *waves arm*
MiowariAinashide: Kuja:...you idiot.
BohemianXQueen: It's already weird
MiowariAinashide: Zidane: No no! See! Let me get it! *rustle rustle, goes it pocket*
MiowariAinashide: Kuja: I should end it quickly for him *pulls out butterknife*
MiowariAinashide: Zidane: See? Isn't it spiffy? * waves bagel*
MiowariAinashide: Zidane (again): You can't touch it though, because you have GIRLY cooties!!! *hides bagel*
MiowariAinashide: Kuja: *!!! Gets Mad !!!* WHY YOU DEFECT!!!
MiowariAinashide: Zidane: *knocked out*
MiowariAinashide: Kuja: Ha, serves you right. Cmon bagel, you have a date with my butterknife *takes bagel and leaves.
MiowariAinashide: To be continued...
BohemianXQueen: Oh dear...
come hither, child
I am not as worried as I was last night. And Monday I picked up The Once And Future King again.   
01:23pm 04/12/2003
mood: blank
"The destiny of man is to unite, not to divide. If you keep on dividing you end up as a collection of monkeys throwing nuts at eat other out of seperate trees."

"One reason why he fell in love with Guenever was because the first thing he had done was hurt her. He might never have noticed her as a person, if he had not seen the pain in her eyes."

"But Lancelot never believe he was good or nice. Under the grotesque, magnificent shell with a face like Quasimodo's, there was shame and self loathing which had been planted there when he was tiny, by something which is now to late to trace. It's so fatally easy to make young children believe that they are horrible."

Which Japanese word are you? by gokumew2
LJ Username
You are:Kuroi (black)
Created with quill18's MemeGen!
3 beautiful souls| come hither, child
I hate this feeling   
07:07pm 03/12/2003
mood: pensive
I'm worried about Him, really worried. I haven't seen or talked to him in almost 2 days and the last time I saw him he wasn't well. I'm worry about him A LOT. I worry because I love him and it is in my nature to worry. Not only is it in my nature to worry, but it is in my nature to ask myself questions like "is he dead? or sick and dying?" 'Dead?' you say 'That's rediculous.' Well, it's how my mind works. I was crying in the shower, picturing being told that he is dead. I had a dream that I was standing on the edge of a cliff and I looked down to see him falling, but there was nothing I could do to help him. I had my angel wings and I tried to catch him by flying down but I couldn't reach him. And then after I couldn't see him anymore, my angel wings turned to dust and I fell down in the blackness. I haven't taken his necklace off in 4 days (I usually take it off to shower and when I sleep) but I wont. I can't let it go.
come hither, child
11:51am 02/12/2003
mood: annoyed
Today wasn't great. It wasn't good, either. A good many of my loved ones are in bad spirits over one thing or another, there are two in particular that I am concerned about. And last night I was bitching about my fear and paranoia, but there are other people to worry about. I know in my heart the two people will be fine but they are both in need of...something. Some sort of release. Have you ever seen someone's pain by looking in their eyes? It makes me want to cry. Like thinking about starving children or victims of war. Even tho there are 2 of them instead of 20 million. It's still just as heart braking.

And there are beautiful people. People that counter act the things that make us sad or angry. I don't mean physically beautiful people, I mean emotionally, mentally, and spiritually beautiful people. Angels, you might call them.
1 beautiful soul| come hither, child
07:05pm 01/12/2003
mood: recumbent
I haven't seen my lovely in 100 billion years. (Ok, ok, 7 days). And I haven't talked to him much either. A whole 10 minutes last night. that's very sad.

So then there's college. I'm so not grown up. I'm such a kid. Which makes me feel stupid and useless. No, that's not it, because I never really feel stupid or useless, I always feel smart. I just think that people think of me as stupid and useless. But of course, I will always be paranoid about 3 things. 1) That everyone sees me as this stupid little kid who's basically good for nothing and they will never ever see me as anything else, 2) that everyone I hold dear is going to either die or [even worse] betray and abandon me, and 3) well...I'll leave that one to be guessed or asked about.

Oh, and you know what else makes me feel stupid and useless? Playing Final Fantasy XI with a bunch of people who are super geniuses and know everything there is to know about it when I am this newbie little girl who doesn't even compare when it comes to knowledge of games...or pretty much everything in general. Yeah, but I guess I'd rather be around a bunch of smart people. Like I said, I don't think I'm stupid, I just think everyone else thinks I'm stupid. Gah, I'm beginning to hate the word "stupid".

And now we're back to colleges. How will I survive college? I'm going to end up being poor and homeless and loveless. That's how goddamn paranoid I am. I wouldn't call it wallowing in self pity because I always have these gigantic paranoid thoughts in the back of my mind but I never say anything about them. But I really am afraid that everyone I love is going to die or leave me (even tho I know they'd never do that...I don't know why I think this) I think I am defective. My mum should send me back to the store or get me repaired.

God, I need to hear "I love you" right now from someone who means it.

Geez, this is pathetic, I'm really down on myself today. I'm not sad or anything. It's just that my extreme paranoia is showing itself.
I don't want to get all emotional right now, so I'll just say there's someone I need to talk to. There's only one person that can calm me and I haven't seen him in 7 days. He is the only person that makes everything that bothers me disappear. I guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow morning. Until morning I have the necklace.

Ok, now I'm emotional and sad.
3 beautiful souls| come hither, child